the commuting blogger..

ok..big news ppl..

I AM FINALLY RID OF MY DAMN FEVER!!

took me 6 days to get rid of it..but hell yeah im glad its gone..just in time for me to enjoy my 3 days off..one more night of work tonight..then its rest and relax..

ok..by now im sure you people can notice the change in my mood..yes yes..emo days are gone..for now at least..haa..

so..whats up for me this 3 days of bliss..

Sunday:

-gonna start off with Ab Fab Sunday February 2009..this time at KM8 with some of my BG peeps..and hopefully some of the original Ab Fab cast..

-following that..its time to go fabulous again at Fabulous Sunday…this time at Rebel..its their first..but subsequently they will take up residence at Zirca..anyway..thats kiv first for now..all depends on my Sunday Crew..might just end up at Tantric like always..sigh..i always do miss Rob on Sundays..

Monday:

-nothing really planned  yet for the day so perhaps i’ll try to get some exercise done..which reminds me i’ve yet to sign up for the Sundown Marathon..maybe i’ll finally get to go to EnerygyOne to check out the membership..

-in the evening..hopefully my dear Ivan Sim will be free and agree to meet up for coffee..or drinks..somewhere..if it works out i hope we could go to Mortons for drinks cause i do want to check out the place before i make up my mind..

Tuesday:

-purely nua day..don’t think i’d head out cause i’ll be in for hell the next week following my return to work..Bryan and Nadine are going off for their leave..leaving only me and Tommy..and there will be days Tommy will be alone..and there will be days i will be alone..and i don’t think that its funny at all..haa..

anyway..its kinda fun blogging in the train..listening to my songs..no one to bother me..unlike when im at home..i got the internet to keep me occupied..the tv distracting me..the comfortable lying down position that keeps me way too nua to think about what to write..well..guess thats it for now..gonna cam-whore tomm and then i’ll finally have pics up on this delightful blog of mine..

Life at 27 years..it justs gets better.. =)

you’re still you..

i thought..hey..since i’m sitting in the train everyday without a book in hand anymore..might as well i pen down my morbid thoughts on life..right..why not..makes perfect sense to spend my time adding more sorrow and darkness into the lives of the few netizens who actually bother to read my mindless rants..

anyway..the topic of today’s discussion is influenced by the song titled above..sung by none other than one of my fave singers..Josh Groban..i want to talk about the man that i am looking for in my life..how that translates to the song or the singer has more to do with the lyrics in the verses rather than the chorus..

all my life..throughout my straight and gay relationships..i have been the one wearing the pants so to speak..no doubt my ex gf wore a skirt..but even with my ex bfs i was the one in-charge..i was the man of the house..i was the one calling the shots..and frankly speaking..i grew weary of that..i was tired of making the decisions all the time..

i mean..looking at me..and at all that i’ve gone through..its pretty safe to say that i’m quite the butch male..and i guess its easy for me to fall into the role of the male lead in any of my relationships..but as butch as i am..i am still a very emotional creature..more emotional than i am butch..

and that is perhaps why i get so emo all the time..because my emotional needs have not been met..if only i had a guy to cuddle me once in a while i’d pms less often..like i once told Albert..i need a man to hold me in his arms and whisper to me that it will all be ok..i need that kind of manly reassurance from someone other than myself..

i dont need Mr Abercrombie and Fitch..or Mr California Fitness..i just need a plain simple loving man..someone to hold my hand once in a while..someone to hug me when it gets cold..someone to kiss me on my forehead before i go to bed..

i guess my need for a man who can take care of me is the reason why i keep falling for straight men..because i know pretty well that these guys will only tend to fall into the male role in the relationship..and i can swoon and fall in love like a little girl..with fellow gays..i’d never know of which role i’d be taking on..and once i get in..and i dont like it..i’d have to end it..then the whole bitterness and what not..too much hassle..

yeah..i guess that is it..my whole reason for loving straight men so much..is the comfort and security that i get from them for however briefly..cause at the end of the day..straight man gets a gf..and i’m left wandering the streets looking for the next shoulder for me to lean on..

to where you are..

i mulled about the title of this post..and i mulled over the content of this post..

i figured if i did any more mulling..there would not be any writing done..

its amazing how your physical health is tied to your emotional health..and vice versa..in my case its the first..falling ill has brought out some deep seeded emotions..emotions i much rather not have to deal with now..or at any other point in my life..

they say clowns actually lead very sad lives..how true..i think..to go through life so bravely..laughing at every obstacle..smiling through every adversity..if only for the entertainment of the people around them..but when the make up comes off..the reality of life sets in..

desolation..its been more than a year since my last relationship..Ian looks happy now..and i am glad he found that happiness with Mark..as for Michael..last i saw..he was happy being himself..happy being around Lav and Kelly..and happy with his  job..Alex..now he is one naughty boy..for most of it..i think he loves his bf dearly..but yes..us scorpions have one thing in common..and maybe that was what made us compatible..

all my life i’ve been pretty independent..never needing much people around me..but has that been the wrong way to go for me..has my lack of dependency led me to a possible life of isolation..

its getting closer and closer to a year now since Brandon left us..and still everyday..i am reminded of him..if indeed there exists an afterlife..i wonder where he is and what he is doing now..i miss the times we hanged out together..i remember him laying his head on my tummy back in bmt..we were not allowed on our beds in the day so we’d all lie on the floor and since i was the one with the tummy..i became their pillow..i remember staying with him that one week at River Valley..going to the supermarket together..bringing Princeton for his night walks..i remember the last time i saw him conscious..in his room..weeks before i saw him lying in the hospital bed..

emo times are here to stay..

so stay tuned..

2009..

its not been a month since the new year has passed..and its starting to look like the beginning of a messed up year..i grew weary of blogging a while back..but i guess..it was just more like a time out for me..though i do admit i am tired of the whole colourful online persona..and that is why i decided to ditch my previous blog and go with a newer, more morose version..

honestly..i am tired..tired of being everybody's shoulder..tired of smiling through everything like an idiot..tired of everything..tired of making you happy at my own expense..there is just so much of the world's problems i can carry on my shoulders before these shoulders give way..

i have feelings and i have needs too..just because i choose not to show them or share them with you does not mean i dont feel a thing..and that you can keep unloading all your problems to me..you are not the only one with issues..all my life i have to listen to my mom nag about my dad..and then my dad nag about my mom..i get so fed up listening to the troubles of the world when my troubles stay hidden inside me..

Bryan asked me last night if i was upset..because the straight guy i liked is attached to a girl..honestly..who would not be upset..but i guess i've grown so used to it that it does not really faze me anymore..i'm always the fool when it comes to love and life..always playing the role of silly suitor..running around hoping that someday..a straight man will love me..the question i always wanted to ask is..if he loves me..would that not make him gay..and upon realising that..would it make me want to move on to the next straight guy despite him loving me..

am i just a dog running after its tail..

life tires me..

welcome to the new me..2009 edition..