you’re still you..

i thought..hey..since i’m sitting in the train everyday without a book in hand anymore..might as well i pen down my morbid thoughts on life..right..why not..makes perfect sense to spend my time adding more sorrow and darkness into the lives of the few netizens who actually bother to read my mindless rants..

anyway..the topic of today’s discussion is influenced by the song titled above..sung by none other than one of my fave singers..Josh Groban..i want to talk about the man that i am looking for in my life..how that translates to the song or the singer has more to do with the lyrics in the verses rather than the chorus..

all my life..throughout my straight and gay relationships..i have been the one wearing the pants so to speak..no doubt my ex gf wore a skirt..but even with my ex bfs i was the one in-charge..i was the man of the house..i was the one calling the shots..and frankly speaking..i grew weary of that..i was tired of making the decisions all the time..

i mean..looking at me..and at all that i’ve gone through..its pretty safe to say that i’m quite the butch male..and i guess its easy for me to fall into the role of the male lead in any of my relationships..but as butch as i am..i am still a very emotional creature..more emotional than i am butch..

and that is perhaps why i get so emo all the time..because my emotional needs have not been met..if only i had a guy to cuddle me once in a while i’d pms less often..like i once told Albert..i need a man to hold me in his arms and whisper to me that it will all be ok..i need that kind of manly reassurance from someone other than myself..

i dont need Mr Abercrombie and Fitch..or Mr California Fitness..i just need a plain simple loving man..someone to hold my hand once in a while..someone to hug me when it gets cold..someone to kiss me on my forehead before i go to bed..

i guess my need for a man who can take care of me is the reason why i keep falling for straight men..because i know pretty well that these guys will only tend to fall into the male role in the relationship..and i can swoon and fall in love like a little girl..with fellow gays..i’d never know of which role i’d be taking on..and once i get in..and i dont like it..i’d have to end it..then the whole bitterness and what not..too much hassle..

yeah..i guess that is it..my whole reason for loving straight men so much..is the comfort and security that i get from them for however briefly..cause at the end of the day..straight man gets a gf..and i’m left wandering the streets looking for the next shoulder for me to lean on..